Heart Spill (First Entry)

I found this blogger through Liz’s Xanga. Once I got here, I explored and found that I liked it–a lot. I like the set up, the options it allows, much less restrictive than Xanga. But than again, I don’t know if you can “create” your own layouts, but I don’t care about that here. This is where it matters, where I can say things without worrying who will read it. I like the anonymity of this; taking pleasure in the fact that no one knows that this journal exists except me. I was considering getting a new Xanga–a totally different name, and just write. Than I realized that I was too hooked to the people on there–there are too many friends, and easy way to find out who’s who, even if I visited the website anonymously. A lot of people have the x-tracker, or something like that effect, and I found be found out within a matter of days. Then I contemplated getting a livejournal, but I didn’t want to do that either. For one thing, too many people I know have a live journal and it would, once again, repeat the story at Xanga. But I don’t think anyone will find me at blogger.com without me telling them. I don’t think it is as popular amongst my friends as Xanga or LJ. I shall have this reprieve for a couple of months, atleast.

Don’t get me wrong–the people I know at Xanga are lovely. Some of them are my closest friends…but I don’t want them to read some of the things I write. I feel so restricted about what I can say at Xanga, mostly because now so many people read it. Two years ago, there was barely anyone–I wrote boring entries every single day, and not a soul left a comment. Back than I used to wonder why, now I want the old days back. I want the days that I could write whatever I wished and wouldn’t have to worry about whom I offended. So, this is my compromise. I shall have this Blogger and a Xanga. This is where my true writing will be–Xanga will be kept as a mere connection. I’ve done too much to give it all up and just focus on this, there are too many people that I like responding to. Besides, it’s not in my nature to not write. I’ve had Xanga for such a long time, it feels weird to not write my thoughts down. I love browsing through them; reading small snippets of people. I wonder if people realize how personal Xanga can become.

Enough about Xanga. I made a very extensive entry earlier this afternoon–but of course, my Internet connection is never to be trusted. A couple minutes before I decided to submit my very first post, my dial up connection became no more and my browser window closed. Poof went my entry. From now on I think I’ll start typing my blogs in Microsoft Word and than pasting them here, so in the future I can avoid such mishaps. So I suppose I shall just retype what I wrote earlier–with a bit less finesse, maybe with a lot less anger. I suppose it was fate that erased those bitter words. I was not meant to post them and regret them later.

I’ve changed a lot. It is difficult for me to spot exactly where I turned; when I became so introverted and uninterested in the world. Some may say that this is merely a phase; something I will soon grow out of. I think its here to stay. A year ago, I used to be very much carefree. I liked people, liked the stories they’ve shared and who they were. I never brushed off a stranger–I was always curious to know who this person was, why they were here, how they came to be. Some people are better than sitting in a room and reading books–they’re alive, walking, talking miracles. I used to believe that–that some people are miracles, just waiting to be given a chance. Now, not so much. I want these evils to be gone–I want to be who I was, yet I want to be who I was with the knowledge I’ve gained. It’s like, going back to ninth grade with an eleventh grader’s education. A lot smarter, quicker, and not make the same mistake again. Impossible wish, right?

I am also very much out of the loop with my friends and classmates. Prerana invited me to her sweet sixteen–and I wondered, why? We’re casual friends–a quick hello in the hallway, a sporadic comment on Xanga lost amongst a tide of others. I can understand now that she invited me out of obligation–a polite gesture, as it were. We both know some of the same people, and I’ve been to a few parties where she and I both attended. I am afraid of attending. Silly, is it not, to be afraid of attending a silly party? I know lots of friends that will be attending, yet I am afraid of being alone. I mean, is there anything dorkier than sitting by yourself at a party? I know I’d just feel like a third wheel. I used to talk to those people before my erratic mood swings and I stopped talking them altogether except through Xanga and an occasional word or two in JFK hallways. This is Prer’s moment to shine, though, I won’t slight her by not attending.

My relationships with a lot of people changed, mostly because I changed. Mahak and I…I don’t have a clue what’s up there. I hurt her a lot by pushing her away and basically treating her like crap, and I’ve found it hard to get it back to the way it used to be. I remember when we shared..everything. Books, music, movies, our lives. Now… *shrug*. I remember she used to say, “You and Sarah are my closest and best friends.” Now, I don’t really think I am. I certainly don’t act like it. It’s unreasonable and unjustified for me to be hurt that her words and profiles are filled with Mo this or Avi that–they’re good, funny people and M deserves to have them as friends. Well, do the crime, pay the time, right? I pushed close friends away at my own convenience–when I was feeling hurt and needed to be alone, not realizing that they were going through things too. The world definitely doesn’t revolve around me. Why have I been acting like it?

Careless words; thoughtless actions have a way of hurting me. I build up strong defenses; I don’t care easily. Why should I? The heartbreak is more inevitable. Some say that heartbreak is the path to love; pain has to be experienced to heal. I’ve had my share of both and I’m definitely tired of it. I’m tired of picking up the pieces and mending my heart again and again. Crazy glue works no more. I’m more reserved. Back than, I used to joke, a lot. I was able to tell funny stories. I used to love making people laugh and smile. Now it’s just…*waves hand* gone. I used to turn mean words away with a quip–turn it into something else, or just ignore it. I’m through that. I can’t pretend they don’t hurt me anymore.

I’ve made a resolution to not need anyone. This is March 2005. Come March 2007–where will you and I be? Hours, continents apart? I will have to live without others than. I’ve thought about college, graduation, too many times. Now, when I hear others talking about it–it’s all a cliche to me. Yeah, people drift and grow up. It’s a part of life.

I’ve formed many online relationships–those also can be erased with a click of a button. Delete, block them from my buddy list, change e-mail address and boom. Who’s to know? Why do they matter so much anyway? I’ve let in some closer than others; I admit–but it’s been so very tempting to just close them out. It’s getting to be too much trouble, too much for me to handle. Some have crossed the line from being just an online chatter to something way much more.

I’m tired now… I should be doing homework.

Listening to: Take my Hand: Dido

Goodbye, loves.